The Sire campaign ‘A chat makes your day’ comes at a time when more and more people are inclined to retreat to their own little world. We sit on the train with earphones in, pay for our groceries at the self-scan checkout or order them online, collect parcels from the automated parcel locker, and can get in and out of anywhere entirely independently using our cards. We no longer need anyone.
And yet we are, by nature, social creatures. As a species, we have always lived in groups, worked together, raised children together, and shared joys and sorrows. We now praise our autonomy, but it turns out that people are happiest when they feel connected to others. You don’t need deep conversations to feel connected; that connection can also arise from so-called ‘minimal social interactions’: a chat at the bakery, with the cashier, with people at the bus stop or on the train. Just making contact, out of the blue: smiling, looking at someone, chatting about nothing in particular.
Researchers[i] found evidence that people are happier on days when they have more of these kinds of minimal interactions, thanks to an increased sense of connection with others. A seemingly trivial interaction can in fact say a great deal, namely: we’re connecting, we value one another, we’re showing that we see one another.
Nothing wrong with clichés
Many people feel reluctant to speak to someone because they think others aren’t interested. They don’t want to impose. But the research suggests that it does others good. The same applies to giving a compliment (also recommended by Sire): people often don’t do it because they feel it makes the other person uncomfortable. But others actually appreciate it; they respond to it, and the effect on both parties is ultimately positive.[ii]
Many people also say they find it difficult to strike up a conversation because they don’t want to be superficial. What should you talk about? ‘It’s hot, isn’t it?’ Well, the other person knows that too. But you shouldn’t take it literally: essentially, by talking about the weather, you’re saying: I just want to make contact; we’re in the same boat.
This is where the power of weak, seemingly insignificant connections with others lies. In fact, it’s not about what you say, but that you say something. Clichés, platitudes and meaningless words: that’s fine. Words are, as it were, the thread that connects you to others. It doesn’t really matter what the thread is made of – or which words you choose. You can satisfy very basic, deeply human needs – for connection, engagement and trust – with small, trivial chats.
Socially challenged
Yet we often prefer to stay safely tucked away behind our phones – even though social media really can’t replace a chat by the coffee machine.[iii] Many young people now communicate so much via their smartphones that they’d rather text their boyfriend to say they’re at the door than ring the doorbell. Because then they’d have to greet the parents: far too nerve-wracking.
That’s a real shame, because if small, everyday face-to-face interactions fall outside your comfort zone, you may eventually lose the skill altogether: Use it or lose it. If we find it uncomfortable and start avoiding genuine contact, we’ll eventually become socially awkward.
So Sire’s invitation is sorely needed. The campaign even offers an original icebreaker, because you can say to the first complete stranger you meet: “Have you seen that campaign about striking up a conversation? I find it tricky, but I wanted to give it a go anyway…”
Just having a chat about nothing in particular – the weather, the view from the train, someone’s bag or coat that you like – does us good. It might even be crucial at a time when many people are feeling lonely or worried about polarisation. Because it’s about nothing in particular, you don’t notice any ideological or political differences, and you discover that you do have something in common with everyone. That’s how a chat about nothing can make the difference between a busy, dreary day and one you look back on with pleasure. A day when small talk can be a big deal.
This article is partly adapted from a column in Roos Vonk’s latest collection, "O nee dit gaat over mij."
[i] Sandstrom, G. M., & Dunn, E. W. (2014). Is efficiency overrated? Minimal social interactions lead to belonging and positive affect. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 5(4), 437-442. https://ru.on.worldcat.org/oclc/502977268
[ii] Zhao, X., & Epley, N. (2021). Insufficiently complimentary?: Underestimating the positive impact of compliments creates a barrier to expressing them. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 121(2), 239. https://ru.on.worldcat.org/oclc/784256195
[iii] In real life: https://www.roosvonkblog.nl/irl/